Taking Courage

As part of an art therapy group, we were asked to draw an image that answered the questions

"Where am I?" and "Where am I going?"

The image that came to mind when I was asked where I am was darkness. There were several images that I wanted the answer to be, like a lounge chair at the beach or a field full of flowers, but they wouldn't quite materialize and I ended up with darkness and confusion. I felt stuck, helpless, hopeless, frustrated, angry at myself for being in that place. I felt that I was on the path of life, but I couldn't see the dangers and pitfalls that might be awaiting me.

I didn't know where to turn, I couldn't see my next step before me, I was paralyzed and fearful of making a wrong step. I didn't trust myself to be able to handle it if I made a wrong step and found myself in harm's way. I felt so alone and lost.

As I talked about it in group, I realized that I was getting lost in the "I don't know how's" which I know is a phrase I use when I'm just stuck and don't want to move forward. I do know how to set boundaries, accomplish hard things, be courageous and make difficult decisions. I just find that sometimes I fear it's too hard and I don't want to deal with the consequences (or rewards) so I get stuck and say I don't know how to move forward.

What if the darkness is there only because I have my eyes closed? 

I can't see my path not because of an outside force I can't control (like the night) but rather it's because I'm refusing to look at my path. What would I see if I opened my eyes? Where would I be?

What if I found myself on a path that was brightly lit and the options and pitfalls clearly marked?






What if I saw that path lined on either side with people who love me cheering me on like at a marathon?








What if I saw helpful people all along the way to guide me like temple workers do?










What if I opened my eyes to see the face of God as He carries me when I'm too scared or too weary to walk beside Him?

What if the path isn't scary after all? 

So I'll be perfectly honest here, it's been a rough few weeks. I got all kinds of happy and gung-ho about life and then crashed for some reason. The most likely candidate for the cause of this crash is just habit. And when I get into such a slump the last person I want to talk to about it is God. I know it sounds apostate to even admit, but sometimes I struggle with admitting defeat and asking for help.

After some good talks with some close friends I'm feeling better about my situation and I'm starting to see a way out. I went to the temple this week hoping to find some small measure of peace and I guess I was just searching for Truth.

Let me pause here for a quick tangent about why I love the temple:

I love the temple! It has been two years this month since I went through the temple for the first time. I love every moment I get to spend in the temple. It took a while for me to figure out what I loved so much about being there—I just felt so different when I was in the temple. Finally I realized it's the quiet that's so different. We all have a tape recorder of some sort in our minds that plays our beliefs about ourselves over and over again. For some of us the worry tape is playing nonstop. For a fortunate few, the tape might sound like the little engine that could: “I think I can. I know I can!” which helps them feel confident. My mental tapes are on constant repeat with themes like worthlessness and inadequacy. They play so often that I start to believe them.

What I've found in the temple is the ultimate quiet when those mental tapes stop playing. It was in the temple that I discovered those mental tapes were recorded by the Adversary—and in all his trickery he recorded them with my voice so they would seem more true! He loves to make me forget how awesome and absolutely incredible I am. But in the temple he's not there and neither are his old cassette tapes. He doesn't have a recommend and as much as he might try, he can't sneak in! It's such a relief to me to get a break from his constant nagging about how much I'll never measure up so I can hear the quiet whispering of the Spirit telling me I am so loved and I am enough.

Continuing on...

At the temple today I randomly opened the scriptures and the book happened to fall open to Alma 38 where Alma tells his son Shiblon about his experience with suffering.

“I spent three days and three nights in the  
most bitter pain and anguish of soul;
and never, until I did cry out unto the Lord Jesus Christ
for mercy, did I receive a remission of my sins. 

...I did cry unto him and did find peace to my soul.” 

It wasn't until he asked the Lord for help that his suffering ceased and he finally found relief and peace.

How long will I suffer the most bitter pain and anguish of my soul 

until I finally allow my Savior to help?

I had a very long visit with Heavenly Father in the celestial room. I told him I miss him and asked for help to have courage to make changes in my life to align my will with His. I prayed about a lot of things. Worries about my finances, my job, my desire for a church calling (I have been wanting to get more involved in my ward, but I haven't been assigned a calling yet), courage in dating (well, courage to stop running away from dating), courage to listen to Rex and do the hard things he encourages me to do. I prayed for patience with myself, patience and love for other people, help with setting and enforcing boundaries, sticking up for myself in the most kind and loving way. I realized my prayer was really self-centered, so I prayed for people I love and worry about. It was such a relief to talk openly to my Heavenly Father and know that He loves me enough to listen.

At times I have wondered if there is anyone at the other end of my pleas to the Universe. Sometimes it feels like I'm talking to myself, my pillow or my steering wheel. I know God hears and answers prayers. I've been taught such truths since Primary. I know God has answered my prayers because I've had miraculous experiences that have proven it to me. And yet, sometimes I've wondered if it's all just been a coincidence. 

I can testify that prayer works. I can testify that
Heavenly Father not only knows my name, 

He knows my fears, my worries, my dreams and aspirations,
my thoughts, my deepest desires.  

He knows me better than I know myself. I also know that  
He loves me enough to respect my agency.
He won't jump in to intervene when I'm headed for trouble. 

He won't stop me when He knows I'll get hurt. 

He loves me enough to wait for me to ask for His help.

I have seen answers to several very specific things I prayed for just in the past few days. I choose to believe the things that are happening are not coincidence. Things I have no control over, things I have wanted for months and months, things that were not set in motion before my prayer are lining up and just happening. And it's all happening in a way that I'm convinced could only be God's work.

The day after the temple my job situation changed for the better, which relieves some of the stress and worries I had. I received a phone call two days after I went to the temple asking me to come in to meet with the bishopric and get a church calling. Opportunities have presented themselves and I have had the courage to take them.

It has truly been miraculous as I have watched Heavenly Father bless my life and specifically answer my prayer. It makes me so grateful for the gift of communing with God in
such a personal way.

I'm grateful for the little things He does to remind me that 

I am His precious daughter and He loves me!